Why my gym could beat your gym up.

Ok so the guys who go to my gym are a little bit different.   A little bigger, wider, stockier yes. Anyhoo, when I was at the gym the other day, I saw a box of “Free Magazines”.  The one I grabbed was Iron Man.  The cover price was 6 dollars, but I can see why they were giving them away.  Every other page was a supplement ad.  If it is on your body and is too small, you can fix it.  If it is on your body as is too big, you can fix it.  What I was amazed by, two things.

One, an ad in the magazine related this story (my paraphrase):

The guy was big.  The guy was mean.  The guy wanted to kick my butt.  I knew I had to end the fight before it began.  I extended my hand for a pre-fight handshake, and when he took my hand, I crushed it like a Dorito.

…

…

?

!

Ok that is the greatest thing ever.  It was an ad for a grip strengthener.  My new goal in life is to rip a phonebook in half.

The other strange thing is that every other ad in the magazine was for some sort of sexual boosting supplement.  Apparently body builders aren’t big everywhere, know what I’m sayin’? Eh Eh?  I suppose steroids has some sexual side effects.  I remember Ken Caminitti, the now deceased baseball player who used steroids saying that there were weeks where he would not be able to see his testicles.  Don’t do steroids folks.  Get high on life.

I’m going to be camping in the UP this weekend.  It should be awesome and I will try to post some pictures and sorts. 

I also found out I am going to be working some graveyard shift next week.  Yeah that’s right I will be working while you sleep like a sucker!  Good luck with that. 

Random thoughts, the usual

Ok A quick update on everything…

The minor league baseball team in Midland announced their new name to be the…. “Mid-Michigan Great Lakes Loons.”  …

…

…

The only thing that comes to mind is some stupid group of marketing people (not all marketers are stupid, see the tobacco/alcohol companies)  sitting around a table trying to reach all their target demographics.  Well guess what folks, I am a single, white, male, ages 19-35 and I think the names sucks donkey tookass.  Now not any name would be better, but most would.  The Mid-Michigan Bile Sacks sounds at least more interesting.  Who wants to buy a shirt with the mascot Lou E Loon on it? Not this guy bucko!

I went to my first Detroit Tiger game last week with work.  Wait a second!  The tigers is a great name for a baseball team maybe we could name the minor league team here the  what?  Oh they already have a name? You mean they picked the…?  Loons?  What did you say about my mom?

 Anyway, Detroit is basically layed out like Milwaukee, but with a baseball team that wins (zing).  Instead of the “Hi I’m your neighbor and we have to share a bathroom and share underwear because we live so close to each other” attitude of Chicago, Detroit is more like “if you want to find the next rundown project, you have to walk .4 miles down that dark alley covered in blood and MD 20/20.  The coolest thing I saw in Detroit was an empty lot surrounded by barbed wire.  Take that urban sprawl!  I don’t care what you do, but it won’t be on my empty lot, no sir!

My folks were in town and I found out that my 10 month old nephew likes to bang his head into things.  I figure he is learning to be stubborn like all the men of my family. 

I participated in a video scavenger hunt two weeks ago with some friends from church.  Even though I have told this story at least 10 times now…

One of the items on the list was that we had to film someone and ask them if they had any Grey Poupon mustard.  Now that is just frickin hilarious to start with.  So we pull up in my car at a stop light and one of my buddies suggests we film the car next to us, a nice Chrysler or Cadillac.  When our cameraman looks over at this other guy, I will call Buddy,   Buddy is giving him the finger!  Not the thumbs up either!  Not even the thumbs down!  People stick up their middle finger around here to imply you should stick that finger somewhere.  This is a rude act folks.  So my other buddy (lowercase b) looks over and Buddy is giving him the finger too!  So finally the light turns green and Buddy decides that not only does he hate us, but he is going to drag me off the line.  Me and my Pontiac Grand Am GT.  Nice try buddy, but you forgot I voted for Bush, therefore I obey traffic laws and am also afraid of high speeds.  So as I creep out of the intersection, Buddy Magoo tears off down a main road in Midland.  Unbeknownst to him, but beknownst to us,  there is a cop about 200 feet ahead just leaving Wendy’s (Dave Thomas, my guardian Angel).  This guy cruises past him and gets pulled over while we are just cracking up.  Talk about comuppins.  Stick your middle finger in a glove and sign a check for the fine you got Buddy!  Incidently, another item on the scavenger list was to film a cop.  50 points. Check.  A jerk getting a ticket for being a jerk… priceless.

We lost the scavenger hunt to a team that could drink a gallon of milk in a minute, but I also got to use a pickup line on a high school girl.  It totally worked.

Me (to high school girl and mom): excuse me, have you ever been to Tennessee?

Girl: No.

Me: Oh that’s odd, because you are the only ten I see. 

Oh!  She smiled and her mom was perplexed. 

And we got another 50 points.  Practical and creative.  My creed, my motto.

What is so bad about guys out of college hitting on high school girls anyway?

That is rhetorical.  We all know there is nothing wrong with that.

Period.

Oh get off your high horse miss I know everything.

It’s people like you that give things headaches.

Don’t make me come over there.

Two words… Demolition Derby

Ok, it was a figure eight race and not a true demolition derby.  If that bothers you, I don’t like you anyway.  Back to my bragging… so I went to a figure 8 race at the Midland Count(r)y fair last night with some buddies from work.  I have never seen this side of Midland County before.  The population of the fair was “rustic”.  I saw my first South Park tatoo, it was a Cartman picture with “JEW” above it (I Don’t know so don’t ask).  The figure eight racing consisted of about 7 cars driving in a small arena in a figure 8 so they crash.  The first car to make 15 laps wins.  It was crazy seeing cars, at times without tires,  drive around like that.  I was amazed how often they would hit the brakes to avoid collisions.  Everything was going fine until….

Some guy sat in front of us with his collar popped.  Now I appreciated the fact that he took a shower, unlike others in attendance, but his collar must have been a good 4 inches in the air.  I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that it was up for a practical reason (sunburn, hickey, snake bite, broadsword protection) but it bothered everyone around me even the mother sitting to the side of him.  I do not know why it bothers me so much but it does.  Serenity now…

The fair ends tomorrow so I still have time to ask them to deep fry a piece of pizza for me. 

If you are bored, search the internet for videos of mentos combined with Diet Coke.  You have been warned, set your phasers to flippin’ awesome.

I heart Japan

Most of you know I really like sushi.  I also like Japan.  I have the pleasure of working with a gentlemen in the office next to me who is from Japan.  His English is not spectacular, but we get our points across.  I’ve decided that he needs to know a little bit of slang.  I am teaching him to some greetings.  Our new daily greeting is going to consist of:

Me: Hey how’s it going (insert his name)?

Him:  Full speed ahead!

Me: Ahso!

I am learning a little bit of Japanese at a time, which is fun. 

I missed the Cheyenne concert at the fair yesterday.  Cruel world I know.  I’m going to my first Tiger’s game next week against the White Sox.  Two points:  1)The last time I saw the Tigers live was at a double header against the Brewers in County Stadium and Cecil Fielder hit a home run.  2) My new theory is that whatever city I live in, the baseball team wins the World Series.  1 year and counting…

Oh yeah so I logged roughly 1000 miles last weekend driving to Chicago, to Appleton, to Midland via the UP (eh?).  I went to Appleton for a very nice wedding of a friend of mine, who I dated for 1 month in ninth grade (I got so much action…no).  Speaking of ninth grade,  when I was in ninth grade, the maid of honor from last weekend told me (when we were in ninth grade mind you) “Joe I will never date you.” Period.  Whoa! Easy there pretty lady.  So I say that as a set-up.  At the wedding last weekend, instead of clinking glasses to make the bridal couple kiss, you either had to make a putt on a putting green or go in front of everyone and kiss somebody.  Oh yeah, also,  I was sitting at a table for the reception with a family of 5, 3 math teachers from Madison, and zero friends (we showed up on time to a first come-first served seating set up).  Needless to say I had tons of time to think and plot during dinner.  So I convinced the bridal couple to have the maid-of-honor (honor? what’s with that) come down and “putt” with me.  When we get there, I spin her around in front of everyone and plant one on her lips. Ka Bam!  My favorite part was the kissing, and the fact that it was right in front of the Catholic priest who presided over the wedding.  I grabbed the mic and told him that I was in fact listening to his homily where he told us to love one another and show mercy.  I guess the only downside is that if the incident was on film, my bid for both the papacy and the presidency are pretty much over.  I guess the real lesson here is Ladies, don’t tell me we will never date unless you want to make out with me in front of strangers (and priests?! yeah baby!).

On a tangent, there was this girl who couldn’t have been more than 17 at the wedding, and she was dancing like she was in a frickin’ music video.  I think she was in love with herself when she danced, it was mesmorizing and slightly weird.  Again my point: women act flippin’ caraaazzy when dopey music is played.  If an army invades the US, they need no guns, just cheezy music.  The men will be so confused when the women scream sing and crazy dance that we will be defenseless. 

A co-worker of mine brought up, as we ate in a Chinese restaurant, that the purpose of Chinese buffets is to make us fat so China can invade the US.  However, I told him, that for that to be the case, they would have to conquer us in hours and not days, because this country has so much fat on it’s collective sides that we could definitely outlast the more slender Chinese in a standoff. Remember that when you think you have had enough crab rangoon… you may need that fat to survive a communist invasion!

If anyone from Chicago wants to go camping before the Winter, drop me a line. 

Buick Open 2006

I have seen Tiger Woods.  He looks just like he looks on TV, good at golf.  I went to the Buick Open near Flint, MI today.  It was amazing to see, both the golf and the people.  I can’t even imagine what the Masters is like.  It is one of the few places that I have seen grown men act like little kids.  They think that all the golfers are so great and they smoke cigars because they can.  All the women dress to impress.  For the most part it is pretty quiet, except for the 17th hole.  Apparently that is always the party hole on the golf course.  Tiger had a huge following as he won the tournament.  I got to see John Daly, who had the second largest crowd.  It was a shame we weren’t allowed to have cameras or cell phones but it cut down on the stupid behavior.  Concessions weren’t too expensive.  I had a fruit smoothie for 5 bucks and it was better tasting than Jamba Juice… even with no Boost if you can believe that.  It seemed like every lady there was there with her boyfriend.  I’m not sure why guys drag their ladies to golf tournaments, they end up getting ignored anyway.  I haven’t seen the highlights but Tiger is pretty much the man.  We tried to find his supermodel wife, but no luck.  I guess I was suprised a little bit at how unspectacular it was.  It is pretty much a plain golf course where pros play and everyone goes “OHHH” when they miss putts.  The most excited people got was when a guy with a mullet was within 5 strokes of the lead.  No streakers to report… a dissapointment.

What you need to know about renter’s insurance…

My apartment is insured against fire and theft.  But who needs that?  My apartment is insured against spacecraft!  Yes it is actually insured against spacecraft crashing into my apartment.  It is also insured against rocket and missile fire.  However, acts of war, declared or not, are not covered, as well as nuclear attack.  This means I am only covered by “accidental” missile fire from spacecraft.  The only time water damage is covered is when hail pokes a hole in the roof and water enters via this hole.  Take that hail! Now if the hail knocks on my front door and beats the snot out of me and then steals my stuff… wow my head hurts.  Sometimes I cry myself to sleep because there are so many conflicting notions in this world.  Maybe that is why I am so fond of MacGuyver and Swiss Army knives,  they simultaneously solve many seemingly conflicting problems at once (I wish I had a screwdriver to secure this door hinge… but who has the time with all these wine bottles to uncork?).

I got made fun of at work for my cheesy photo shoot.  The photographer said “hold these bottle thingies” and told me to look like I am a scientist.  If he only knew what goes on in my head…

My best idea yet.

I just simulatneously solved the abortion AND capital punishment debates.  The one way to settle this once and for all is for a fetus to murder someone with a handgun.  The Supreme Court would go bananas!  If a fetus is not a person, how can you try it for murder?  If it is a person, then abortion must be illegal.  If you convict the fetus of murder and sentence it to death, you are requiring a woman to have an abortion.  Each scenario is crazy!  If you do nothing, fetuses will rule the world, killing anyone they want.  It is like a reverse “Matrix” scenario where the humans kill the robots while in the womb thingies.  Now realistically I see that a fetus is going to have a hard time shooting someone,  but I think I just proved that our legal system is not self-consistent.  Can you imagine what would happen if someone was arguing in front of the Supreme Court and rebutted a justice’s argument with “well what if a fetus kills someone with a flamethrower?” 

Now if the fetus knew karate and was fighting robots…